Coping With Grief

There is a popular myth among Christians that we should always be happy, put a smile on our face and always be ready to shout out a “Hallelujah” or “Praise the Lord”. But real life isn’t always a joyful experience. We know from John 11:35 that “Jesus wept”. He even told us in Matthew 5:4 that those who mourn are blessed.

So let’s not walk around pretending to be joyful. Christians should be genuine about the struggles going on in their lives. One of the biggest struggles we face living in a fallen world is coping with loss—otherwise known as “grief.”

Grief can be defined with synonyms such as: 

• agony
• anguish
• bereavement
• despair
• discomfort
• gloom
• heartache
• heartbreak
• melancholy
• misery
• mourning
• pain
• regret
• remorse
• sadness
• sorrow
• trouble
• unhappiness
• woe

These are all emotions we all have had to endure at times—often for extended seasons in our lives. They come upon us whenever we experience a significant loss. It’s not just death that causes grief. Grief is triggered by other losses such as: childhood trauma, unemployment, sickness, a breakup, bankruptcy, divorce, etc. Our gut reaction to feelings like this is to run away from them or to replace them with alternative thoughts that take our minds off whatever is making us miserable. This is a natural response but not a healthy one. In 1Thessalonians 4:13, the Apostle Paul tells us that there is a difference between the way the world grieves and the way we should grieve as Christians.

You may remember a relief pitcher for the California Angels named Donnie Moore. He couldn't seem to resolve his anguish over losing an American League championship series game to the Boston Red Sox back in 1986. He was quoted in the paper saying: “I accept the fact that I am the goat in this series. It’s just going to have to be something I live with.” Well, he never did accept it. And he couldn’t live with it. He had a nervous breakdown three years after the event.  And in a moment of torment, he shot his wife and then shot himself…. That’s an example of how someone with no hope deals with grief.

Now compare that with another baseball pitcher named Dave Dravecky. Because of cancer in his left throwing arm, Dravecky lost not just a game but a career, his livelihood, his pitching arm, and his entire left shoulder. I met Dave a couple of times at church events where he was invited to speak. As a Christian, Dravecky took care to rebuild his life and is now the author of several books and a motivational speaker and a great inspiration to so many who have had to overcome tragedy and loss. God’s way of grief looks much different than the world’s way.

Modern therapists will tell you that there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. Notice how the first four stages all seem to be negative. There are difficult stages of dealing with loss that are required before we can get to the final stage of acceptance. I'm sure we all wish we could skip over the tough ones and just accept our losses without enduring any pain. But the sorrow is necessary. In fact, it is healthy. When learning to deal with the loss, there is a counter-intuitive requirement for us to live with pain and actually experience sadness. Our society provides many escapes through pleasure-seeking and other precarious outlets such as drugs and alcohol to dull our sensitivity to pain.

The challenge of grief, is to embrace it. Like Jesus, we need to weep. Allowing the full gamut of emotions to flow through us actually helps to heal the wounds of bereavement. To heal from heartache we have to sit next it for awhile and let it overwhelm us. That’s how you move through the stages and get to the other side of health and healing. 

No one said it would be easy. But it is worth it in the end. For when we receive comfort from God, Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 1:4, we will be equipped to provide the same comfort to others in the process of grief. This is how our Lord redeems our sorrows. Once healed, he turns them into ministry opportunities that allow us to relieve the burdens that others may carry. That is God’s way. His good, pleasing and perfect will. 

God Doesn't Hand Out Participation Trophies

For a long time now, the trend in Christianity has been to avoid talking about sin. Many pastors avoid talking about it from the pulpit for fear that it will offend people or drive them away. We don’t like to focus on things that make us feel ugly, embarrassed or like a failure. After all, we live in a time when everybody gets a trophy just for participating! And since we all like to think of ourselves as fairly good people, the subject of sin makes us uncomfortable. 

If you had fun, you won!

But is that the way it works with God? When this life is over, do we all get awarded with a trophy just for participating in the game of life? Unfortunately, the answer is, “No.” Eternal life is a reward that only those who are forgiven of their sin can attain. And there is no way on earth for us to attain salvation by our own good deeds. Without “atonement” for our sins, we are dead—separated from God and hopelessly condemned. The Bible is very clear about this in Ephesians 2:8-9 (and many other verses as well): For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.

The bottom line is, we have to talk about sin. It’s exactly what is keeping us from God, and it has been the biggest problem in the world throughout all of history! Why wouldn’t we address “sin” in church?

But still, we avoid the topic because it makes us feel guilty. We all know that no one is perfect. We all have sinned and even as believers who sincerely seek to follow Jesus, we still sin—continually. Day after day, this sin problem plagues us because we were all born under its curse. Read Romans chapter 7 and you’ll understand that the struggle to overcome sin even exhausted the Apostle Paul. 

If there’s one thing we can learn from our Catholic brothers and sisters, it’s the importance of going to Confession. Though I don’t believe this should be viewed a holy sacrament--it is an important spiritual discipline that you should practice regularly. And though I don’t believe you need to make confessions to a priest, I do believe you can go directly to Jesus, our High Priest in heaven and confess your sins as many times as you need to.

1 John 2:2 says: My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

In other words, Jesus is our “advocate”, the one who speaks on our behalf before God the Father to provide cleansing and purification for our sins. Because of what Jesus did on the cross as our substitutionary sacrifice, we have forgiveness through Him whenever we confess our sins to him in prayer.

No doubt, sin is a bad thing. It is responsible for all our world’s worst pain and tragedy. But there is a solution. His name is Jesus!

The Intersection of Two Wills

God is sovereign. He chooses those who will be part of his kingdom. But what part do we play? Aren’t we just subjects of God’s will then? Required to do whatever he determines without a choice in the matter?

Shakespeare once said that all the world is a stage, and we are all players or actors in this cosmic play. So if that’s how you want to look at it, God is like the director of the play. He gives us a part to perform, and there is a story to be played out, but here’s the difference: Free will requires that we act out on the stage of life without a script. Life is ad-libbed. We improvise. Each day we act out without rehearsal. That’s free will. 

So even though God knows the whole story and he gives us the part to play, he doesn’t put words in our mouth. We are free to move and act upon life’s stage as an extemporaneous performer.

Another way to look at it is to imagine God is like a football coach. He draws up a perfect game plan for life. The players on his team, however, do not execute the game plan perfectly. We all mess up, run the wrong routes, jump offsides, miss a key block and get penalties called against us. On top of that, we are playing against an enemy that is trying to disrupt and defeat God's game plan.

Despite all our mistakes and all the schemes of the opposition, God is able to adjust the game plan. He doesn't panic when a play or two goes wrong. He can take setbacks and turn them into a victory in the end.

These illustrations are inadequate for sure. Namely, they assume we are trying to cooperate with God in accomplishing His purposes. But they are simple ways to illustrate the complexity of how God's will intersects with our free will. 

But here’s how our will is different than God’s will. God’s will is untainted by sin. His will is perfect. Martin Luther, the founder of the Protestant Reformation said because of sin, our will is in bondage. Our will is in bondage because of our sinful nature. So even though we do have an ability to make choices, our choices will always be tainted by unrighteousness. That’s why God has to take the initiative. In order for us to have faith, God has to give it to us. Faith is a gift. God gives it. We receive it and decide whether or not we will open it, obey, and follow him. 

Aren’t you glad God doesn’t force us to love Him? He gives us the choice. We aren’t slaves forced to love him, or robots programmed to obey. Divine love allows for us to reject God if we so choose. The choice is up to us.

I believe in free will. Even though the term is not found in the Bible, we are created in the image of God. Unlike animals, which act mainly on instinct, we resemble our Creator in our ability to do and act as we please. To a great extent, we have the capacity to determine our own futures. The Bible encourages us to “choose life”. God dignifies us with a free will, the power to make decisions of our own rather than having God or fate determine what we do.

Proverbs 16:9 says it this way: In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. What that says to me is: We are chosen by God, yet we, in turn must choose him. We plan the course of our lives, but God has established our steps.

Why Is God Jealous?

Some years ago Oprah Winfrey was asked a question on television about her spiritual journey. Among other things, she indicated that a particular stumbling block for her was when her pastor claimed that God was a “jealous” God. This was in conflict with her view of God of as all-loving. She seemed to bristle at the idea of God being jealous of her, or anyone for that matter. You can view the clip of her statement here: A Jealous God?

She said, “something didn’t feel right in my spirit” when her pastor said that. However, the Bible clearly teaches that God is a jealous God. Exodus 20:5 states, "You shall not bow down to them [other gods] or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God." How are we to understand God's jealousy when the Bible also says that jealousy is a sin (Galatians 5:20)? Isn't this a contradiction? No, because the jealousy that pertains to God is not the same as the kind we display as human beings.

The key is context. In Exodus 20, God revealed the Ten Commandments to the people of Israel. He commanded allegiance and worship to Him alone. He would not tolerate the worship of other gods (a practice common in Egypt and other nations). God was "jealous" in the sense that He expected full devotion, not merely a partial, lukewarm commitment. Worship belongs to God, and He is right to be "jealous" of it.

In other contexts, jealousy is listed as a sin that we as human beings are to avoid. In these cases, jealousy refers to being resentful over something another person has. It could be a material possession ("I am jealous of his Lexus"), a physical attribute ("I am jealous of her slim figure"), or a special ability ("I am jealous of the way they can sing"). Such jealousy is often associated with suspicion, envy, and rivalry, and it is always sinful. Instead, we are called us to be content in all circumstances. The Apostle Paul wrote, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want" (Philippians 4:11-12).

Jealousy and envy as human sin is evident in the earliest pages of Scripture. Cain killed Abel because he was jealous that his brother’s sacrifice to God was acceptable, and his own was not (Genesis 4). Later in Genesis, Joseph's brothers were sinfully jealous (or envious) of Joseph (Genesis 37:11). They saw Joseph as a rival for the father's attention, and their sin of jealously led to other sins. They sold their own brother into slavery and lied to their father. Years later, these brothers felt guilty for their shameful acts that resulted from jealousy.

Yes, God is a jealous God. But the question that makes God’s jealousy different than ours is: “Why?” The reason God is jealous is because He will not share His praise with another: "I am the LORD; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols" (Isaiah 42:8). God carefully maintains and protects what is rightly His. This is divine jealousy, and it is worlds apart from the type of sinful jealousy that causes people to envy, suspect, and resent others.

Human jealous is rampant and dangerously so. It was out of envy that Jesus was falsely accused by the religious authorities of crimes that sent Him to the cross (Matthew 27:18). The spirit of envy is one of the classic signs of human sinfulness (Romans 1:29). The spirit of envy is numbered among the works of the flesh that turns a person from God (Galatians 5:21).

Envy is numbered among the deadly sins because it can kill you. It can kill your joy, your hope, your peace, and your capacity to love. It can kill your faith and the sense of the nearness of Christ. It can kill your will to believe and your motivation to obey. It can kill your sense of fulfillment because, no matter what you do, someone has done more, or done it better, or done it faster, or done it with greater recognition and praise. Left unchecked, envy can kill everything that makes you a ‘human’ being. Like a weed, it must be identified and uprooted immediately before it spreads and chokes the life out of us. Envy rots the bones. 

You Low-Down Dirty Dog

Second Samuel chapter nine highlights the rags to riches story of Mephibosheth who wondered why King David would ever show favor to a nobody like him from the town of nowhere. Have you ever thought something like that? Why should the King notice me? Why should I receive such kindness from God? Aren’t I a low-down dirty dog?

I’m sure we all felt those self-loathing sentiments. But the truth is, despite who we are—God still loves us! God does not treat us as our sins deserve. Instead He extends mercy and grace. It’s an amazing story that's true of everyone who believes!

Being Good and Angry!

Psalm 7:11 says: God is a righteous judge, a God who displays his wrath every day.

We see in this verse that God gets angry (he “displays his wrath”). We also see that his anger is an everyday occurrence. This is not surprising because there is a lot that we humans do that would make God angry. An alphabetical list of common sins includes: 

• Adultery
• Blasphemy 
• Covetousness
• Dishonesty
• Envy
• Fornication 
• Greed
• Hatred
• Idolatry
• Judging
• Lusting
• Murder 
• Pride
• Resentment
• Stealing
• Unforgiveness
• Vanity
• Wickedness

...and the list could go on and on. But what Psalm 7:11 tells us about God’s anger is that he displays it in a way that is “righteous”. He judges our sins properly—identifying them for what they are—offenses against God and others. Unlike us, God does not ignore or excuse sin. He doesn’t “rename” sin and label them with less offensive terms such as: failures, faults, shortcomings, or mistakes. He calls a spade a spade. Sin is sin.

Notice that on the list of frequent sins, I did not include “anger.” It is clearly not a sin to be angry. In fact, if any of the above sins were committed by someone against you, it would certainly make you angry. But anger—if left unchecked and out-of-control—can lead us to commit some of the sins above. It’s interesting to note that all you have to do is add one letter to the word anger and look out! Danger!

Anger is an emotion that bubbles up within us not unlike lava in a volcano. Scientists who study this, known as “volcanologists” have discovered that magma chambers deep in the earth build up pressure until they reach the surface. The pressure of these chambers are released through “vents” that often result in eruptions of lava, ash and pyroclastic debris. The destructive capacity of these eruptions depends on the amount of pressure that builds up below the surface.

This description of volcanic activity can easily be compared to the increase of anger that takes place as life’s circumstances create stress and pressure within us. If we don’t have a healthy way to “vent” our anger, we will erupt and spew wreckage upon our co-workers, friends and family. It isn’t easy to control our anger, but it is possible.

Acknowledge your anger. Find the root cause. And release it appropriately. God allows for anger to exist so long as it is properly channeled. Pray for God to help you keep your cool. Seek His forgiveness (and others) when you blow up. Above all: Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. And do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27).

Don't Worry, Be Happy

It doesn’t seem possible but almost 30 years ago, Bobby McFerrin wrote a catchy tune in which the "instruments" in his a cappella song are entirely overdubbed voice parts and other sounds made by McFerrin whistling, humming and drumming himself. The song is entitled “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” and you probably know the tune and catchphrase by heart (see the attached YouTube video). It became the first a cappella song to reach #1 on the Billboard charts and won a Grammy Award in 1989 for “Song of the Year.”

Within the song, McFerrin wrote these lyrics:

In every life we have some trouble

But when you worry, you make it double

Don't worry, be happy

'Cause when you're worried, your face will frown

And that will bring everybody down

So don't worry, be happy

Although I did not play this song during the worship service yesterday, the lyrics reflect the words of Jesus when he says in Matthew 6:34: So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Dwelling on worrisome thoughts doubles your troubles. And it affects your facial appearance and negatively impacts your influence on others. Learning to be as worry-free as possible is actually an important testimony to an unbelieving world.

The worst kind of worry is when you say in your heart, “Things are going so good, that something bad is bound to happen.” In other words: “Everything is going so great in my life right now; I'm sure God's getting ready to pull the rug out from beneath me.” This is actually the woeful expression of a lack of faith. If you read between the lines, the Bible says that's how Satan was able to get at Job. He was constantly afraid, constantly worried. He was always thinking, “What if my sons are not obeying the Lord” and he would go make a sacrifice for them. "What if... What if...."  If you're "What if-ing" yourself, you are setting yourself up. 

God says, “I don't want you to worry.” He wants us to be like Him. Do you realize that God never worries about anything? So if you and I are going to be like God, like Jesus Christ, we need to learn not to worry.