Coping With Grief

There is a popular myth among Christians that we should always be happy, put a smile on our face and always be ready to shout out a “Hallelujah” or “Praise the Lord”. But real life isn’t always a joyful experience. We know from John 11:35 that “Jesus wept”. He even told us in Matthew 5:4 that those who mourn are blessed.

So let’s not walk around pretending to be joyful. Christians should be genuine about the struggles going on in their lives. One of the biggest struggles we face living in a fallen world is coping with loss—otherwise known as “grief.”

Grief can be defined with synonyms such as: 

• agony
• anguish
• bereavement
• despair
• discomfort
• gloom
• heartache
• heartbreak
• melancholy
• misery
• mourning
• pain
• regret
• remorse
• sadness
• sorrow
• trouble
• unhappiness
• woe

These are all emotions we all have had to endure at times—often for extended seasons in our lives. They come upon us whenever we experience a significant loss. It’s not just death that causes grief. Grief is triggered by other losses such as: childhood trauma, unemployment, sickness, a breakup, bankruptcy, divorce, etc. Our gut reaction to feelings like this is to run away from them or to replace them with alternative thoughts that take our minds off whatever is making us miserable. This is a natural response but not a healthy one. In 1Thessalonians 4:13, the Apostle Paul tells us that there is a difference between the way the world grieves and the way we should grieve as Christians.

You may remember a relief pitcher for the California Angels named Donnie Moore. He couldn't seem to resolve his anguish over losing an American League championship series game to the Boston Red Sox back in 1986. He was quoted in the paper saying: “I accept the fact that I am the goat in this series. It’s just going to have to be something I live with.” Well, he never did accept it. And he couldn’t live with it. He had a nervous breakdown three years after the event.  And in a moment of torment, he shot his wife and then shot himself…. That’s an example of how someone with no hope deals with grief.

Now compare that with another baseball pitcher named Dave Dravecky. Because of cancer in his left throwing arm, Dravecky lost not just a game but a career, his livelihood, his pitching arm, and his entire left shoulder. I met Dave a couple of times at church events where he was invited to speak. As a Christian, Dravecky took care to rebuild his life and is now the author of several books and a motivational speaker and a great inspiration to so many who have had to overcome tragedy and loss. God’s way of grief looks much different than the world’s way.

Modern therapists will tell you that there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. Notice how the first four stages all seem to be negative. There are difficult stages of dealing with loss that are required before we can get to the final stage of acceptance. I'm sure we all wish we could skip over the tough ones and just accept our losses without enduring any pain. But the sorrow is necessary. In fact, it is healthy. When learning to deal with the loss, there is a counter-intuitive requirement for us to live with pain and actually experience sadness. Our society provides many escapes through pleasure-seeking and other precarious outlets such as drugs and alcohol to dull our sensitivity to pain.

The challenge of grief, is to embrace it. Like Jesus, we need to weep. Allowing the full gamut of emotions to flow through us actually helps to heal the wounds of bereavement. To heal from heartache we have to sit next it for awhile and let it overwhelm us. That’s how you move through the stages and get to the other side of health and healing. 

No one said it would be easy. But it is worth it in the end. For when we receive comfort from God, Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians 1:4, we will be equipped to provide the same comfort to others in the process of grief. This is how our Lord redeems our sorrows. Once healed, he turns them into ministry opportunities that allow us to relieve the burdens that others may carry. That is God’s way. His good, pleasing and perfect will.